Projections of insecurity.

Are there men out there who actually like outspoken, blunt women? Initially, men like that I have a fire-y personality, which turns to passive, seething resentment when they realize I'm not some fucking character in an indie movie whose only purpose is to stir on their existential crisis and 'bring spontaneity into their life' or spur on some creative revolution as 'muse.' Barf. Yeah, I can be abrasive. Yeah, I can be brutally honest (oh, sorry, I mean a "FUCKING BITCH"). Fuck, I'm not a super person. I try really hard to be 'nice.' That's what people want, right? Sweet and nurturing, coming right the fuck up.

It doesn't help that I am incredibly awkward during the whole 'let's meet each others friends in an exciting social environment to further determine whether or not we are compatible' and accidentally get labeled a 'cold, snobby bitch.' Um, it's called social anxiety disorder/panic disorder, asshole. Notice the panic attacks. Aren't relationships about sex and not social performance? Why do all these lame social elements have to enter into the equation? The purpose of relationships is to fuck and provide 'love', but most relationships seem to provide little of either. I want more sex and more love.

I am not making generalizations about men. I love men. I have my issues with female relationships, too. But I've been ranting about women my whole life and making horrible, fear-based generalizations about them too.

I think I should start walking around with a demure smile pasted on my face and check the tone of my voice constantly so that I do not unintentionally intimidate someone. I'm not sure how to move my face when I confront strangers. What is street etiquette? Do you look down, to the side, zone out looking forward or make brief, potentially awkward eye contact? Do you make your face smile, and to what degree? Most of the time the faces I make feel entirely unnatural. I am incredibly self-conscious in public. Everyone is a stranger. I feel like a massive fucking fragile disappointment.


  1. i want to give you a hug, is that okay

  2. Panic disorder and severe generalized anxiety and severe social anxiety disorder are annoying when meeting friends of a girlfriend. I usually just lie a lot or something. I don't know.

    Good luck, go to outer space, blow up a bus.

  3. a hug from you would be more than welcome, ryan manning. I think I choose...blow up a bus. Speed style. Unfortunately Keanu Reeves would not also be destroyed.

  4. "Initially men like...."

    this is the story of my life. seriously, this sentence is amazing. i have said some form of it about myself so many times

  5. "What is street etiquette? Do you look down, to the side, zone out looking forward or make brief, potentially awkward eye contact?"

    I always have trouble looking people in the eye, especially hot girls, because I'm insecure about my eye tics, which are due to Tourrette's Syndrome. It sucks, and I know that most of the time I don't even know I'm doing it, since it's become a part of me now, and I don't know how to get rid of the fucking thing. It makes it harder to read too.