Are there men out there who actually like outspoken, blunt women? Initially, men like that I have a fire-y personality, which turns to passive, seething resentment when they realize I'm not some fucking character in an indie movie whose only purpose is to stir on their existential crisis and 'bring spontaneity into their life' or spur on some creative revolution as 'muse.' Barf. Yeah, I can be abrasive. Yeah, I can be brutally honest (oh, sorry, I mean a "FUCKING BITCH"). Fuck, I'm not a super person. I try really hard to be 'nice.' That's what people want, right? Sweet and nurturing, coming right the fuck up.
It doesn't help that I am incredibly awkward during the whole 'let's meet each others friends in an exciting social environment to further determine whether or not we are compatible' and accidentally get labeled a 'cold, snobby bitch.' Um, it's called social anxiety disorder/panic disorder, asshole. Notice the panic attacks. Aren't relationships about sex and not social performance? Why do all these lame social elements have to enter into the equation? The purpose of relationships is to fuck and provide 'love', but most relationships seem to provide little of either. I want more sex and more love.
I am not making generalizations about men. I love men. I have my issues with female relationships, too. But I've been ranting about women my whole life and making horrible, fear-based generalizations about them too.
I think I should start walking around with a demure smile pasted on my face and check the tone of my voice constantly so that I do not unintentionally intimidate someone. I'm not sure how to move my face when I confront strangers. What is street etiquette? Do you look down, to the side, zone out looking forward or make brief, potentially awkward eye contact? Do you make your face smile, and to what degree? Most of the time the faces I make feel entirely unnatural. I am incredibly self-conscious in public. Everyone is a stranger. I feel like a massive fucking fragile disappointment.