I had a successful appointment with my psychiatrist today. She said 'good job for making such important changes in your life independently' 'thank you for being so articulate and open.' We talked about my abandonment issues and general distrust of women and how this has recently become a general distrust of men due to my last few dismal relationships. So, general distrust of everyone.
It is a really beautiful day so I walked home from the hospital and because I forgot my iPod I hummed Wilco to myself.
Then I went to the store. There was a man in line in front of me who kept repeating, very loudly
I guess I'm not good enough
I was too weak to hold the line
erotic love is limited
family ties break
family is not strong enough
there will always be someone stronger and better than you
I couldn't help my family
we are all nuts
I couldn't hold the line
I am so weak
Everybody either ignored him or looked at each other with smug knowing smiles as if to say 'haha we know how to maintain that slim divide between public and private, too bad for that fucker'
Why don't people listen to what other people say
There are important things being said all the time and no one cares to listen
All they see is a senile old man with wide eyes clutching a box of cookies
I wish we all walked around spewing our failures and fears
maybe then we would be more human
(instead we use computers or paper or instruments to mediate these thoughts, which is good too and sometimes the only way, but I often feel like I'm just talking to a screen, or myself, or some blank absent other, and no one really gives a shit and then I tell myself 'well, I don't give a shit either' but that's a lie.)