I was stirring my brandy with a nail

Lying on my floor again, eating strawberries and reading early hunter s with the mount eerie on full volume. I told my psychiatrist that I feel like a cliche. He often looks at me like he's slightly confused and doesn't know how to respond to certain things. It's awkward. I Just finished watching masculin/feminin. There are some great lines.

We'd often go to the movies. We'd shiver as the screen lit up. More often we'd be disappointed. The images flickered. Marilyn Monroe aged badly. It saddened us. It wasn't the film we had dreamed, the film we all carried in our hearts, the film we wanted to make and secretly wanted to live.

To have a conscience is to be open to the world.
To be faithful is to act as if time didn't exist.
Wisdom would be to see life, truly see it. That would be wisdom.

Ever notice there's the word "mask" in masculine? And also "ass"?
And in feminine?
There is nothing.

(pow! that's a fucking great line. Oh, Lacan, how you haunt me. Seriously, I really am haunted by Lacan.)

I flirted with the dude at the video store, not the asshole who wears the beret, the nice one that I would actually chill with, and he told me I was awesome because my favourite Godard movie is 2 or 3 things I know about her (oh my god that's his favourite toooo!!! what a goddam coincidence!!!!) and then reduced my late fees. It's like all you need for street cred in this fucking city is to "appreciate" Godard and know the definition of conceptual poetry and spout on about "the meaningless of art in our time" in a cynical blase tone like its "no big deal," etc. Excuse the "quotes." I really suck at floating on the surface of things. Apparently the psychiatrists are going to "fix" this so that I no longer feel performance anxiety in groups of people. Hm. Pyschiatry is a really funny thing. I find the process fascinating, the lists of questions, the questions that come from answers.

In an interview when asked about his favourite director, Bradford Cox said "not Godard." Classic. There are two different ways I respond to this. 1) he's safe because he confirms that he "knows what the cool artsy kids like" 2) and yet manages to secure a place for himself out of the new mainstream by disdaining what the cool artsy kids like. Insert reference to increasingly obscure film maker. Its such a fucking game and shit. I still love Bradford though.

Feeling good, feeling good.