convoluted things coming out of my brain.

"Drama is what happens when people get together and live"
this is a profound statement adam coates, this is exactly what I should have said last week when a man said that he "didn't want to be involved in my drama" this is exactly what I thought, while feeling very sad. instead I think I started to cry and stared at the ceiling for a little bit, feeling that something was ending. maybe he didn't think anything except 'get me the fuck out of this girls life.' I think a lot of men think that a lot about me, maybe I felt "this is starting in the same way and will end in the same way and I feel sad because I don't have the naivete to be excited anymore." there is a certain fatigue in that but we all keep on keeping on, etc. also, that song on your blog is so so beautiful.

I have only cried 5 times in the past two weeks. twice have been in the past two days as a result of blog posts. Here and here.

I know that noah cicero does not read my blog or whatever and I feel that if he did notice that I linked to that post he would probably feel some degree of disdain or distaste toward me. Fuck, that sounds like a lame disclaimer. But...these lines really hit me, really really hard, because this is something I have been trying to say to people over the last few months without feeling like anybody really knows what I'm saying at all:

but i don't want a lot of people around
they've really begun to drive me nuts
really crazy with their stupid shit
It is like I'm constantly overwhelmed by the present
there it is
the objects, the now, everything talking place
observing
hearing
other people have the knack of turning it off or not noticing it all

People say things like this all the time but I don't really feel it from them. But, truly, I always really feel stuff that Noah Cicero writes. I guess thats a sign of a good writer. Fuck I'm really lame tonight, I apologize.

I am oscillating between feeling very very alone and feeling very very free. when one component shifts or removes itself from my life I start throwing everything out the fucking window, I feel like every important component in my life has changed or dissipated in the last two weeks. This is somewhat terrifying and I am sorry if you are one of those people who has periodically been deleted from my life. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I just want to feel important and loved by one single person for one single day. Someone, please, I need this very badly.

when I jumped into the air over the water for that split half-second before my body hit I felt shocked and euphoric and light and out of control. and then my body was submerged and everything was open and I felt like my skin was tearing and my brain was tugging out of my ears and then I was up again with the sun shining all over my naked exposed shoulders

"the condition of renewal means you cut your roots"
-Zizek