Simple things are making me happy and sad today.
I am at my mother's house for mother's day.
She is depressed and keeps telling me that her life has no meaning and then crying. She refuses to eat anything. I don't really know how to respond except give her some of my meds so she can sleep for more than a few hours and make jokes about little things.
My little sister is severely anxious. I don't know how to make her feel better. I spent one hour on the porch in the sun with her in my arms while she cried about my mom and being a teenager and having to deal with the shit-storm that is life and I didn't know what to say. I don't know how to take care of the people I love.
Yesterday I argued with my Dad about things on his way to drop me off at my mom's house. It is really really tough to talk to non-academic conservative family members about what I want to do with my life and why I am so in love with theory. I don't want to justify anything I do to anybody. He said "do you doubt your faith" and I said "I'm not going to talk to you about religion" and we both got quiet. He said "I'm a do-er, not a thinker" like that gives him some sort of virtuous upper hand on us lazy writers. I said "it's not that simple." He doesn't know that I am atheist and this would probably make him cry and then I would feel embarrassed.
Laclau just fucked me sideways.
Right beside the chair that I smoke in on the back deck there is a nest in a flower pot with 2 baby birds and 1 egg in it. 2 robins guard the nest. I like looking at the babies, their skin is blue-white and translucent. They are covered in down that reminds me of hair on an old man's head.
I am drinking coffee with 6 sugars.
I am writing 3 papers.
I am smoking many cigarettes.
Last night I woke up terrified to the first thunder storm of the year and went downstairs and stood in the middle of the yard in the rain.
Everything is very very delicate.