So I'm back in suburbia again. It is raining really hard, permanently overcast, chilly and damp, but the entire back yard is covered in bright yellow leaves and the ivy against the butter-coloured brick has turned golden orange. I would rather spend this weekend drinking beer with my brother than in Toronto watching half-clothed drunk people do stupid things that make them feel interesting and 'alt.' I'm going to hand out candy to rich suburban kids. Any excuse to indulge in nostalgia is taken. I'm not in a very good place mentally. I feel like something is rotting in my chest (and no, not my lungs, thanks) and like my brain is floating around in my skull, untethered. Such is anxiety. Most of my anxiety stems from changes that have to happen in the next month. The antipation of realizing this and the fear of having to make such changes happen. Anticipatory anxiety results in heavy and paralyzing inertia, which is why I've been sleeping 16 hours a day and loading up on carbs and tea. Fear is paralyzing and the paradox is that if I just moved, if I just got shit done, I'd feel a lot less anxious. I need someone to push me out of this space, I don't feel very strong. Then again, my moods change so often and in such extreme directions, I may feel amazing tomorrow.
On the agenda for today - -
blueberries and pineapple cashew chicken
Kant, metaphysics of morals
some Parfit essays
hot chocolate and home-made carrot cake
musical accompianment by Girls Real Estate Flaming Lips Zola Jesus
Silence of the Lambs @ 9

bubble bath with Brothers K.
good things :)


  1. It's not your lungs, as an anxious smoker I know what you mean :)

    remember when I emailed you about applying to grad school? I'm doing it now and it's stressful.

  2. Me too, and stress is not what I need. I'm also trying to scrounge up the money for application costs, which is annoying in itself. Good luck with all that, though. :) Where are you applying?

  3. I'm borrowing money for applications! Not fun.

    I'm applying to 10 schools, and still putting all of them together, but right now its Duke, Emory, SUNY Buffalo (all very hip theory schools, which means you should apply. Psychoanalysis!)and also Indiana, Rutgers and Michigan for sure. There's also two schools in Pittsburgh, UC Santa Cruz and probably SUNY Stony Brook. Maybe my home school in Minnesota.

    The exciting part about all this is that I'm borrowing an extra grand to apply, which means that if I don't get accepted with funding I'm fucked. Also, if I don't get accepted and have to apply again next year, I will likely be applying with worse grades, since I spent all of this semester doing app stuff instead of working on homework. Aaaaahhhh!!!!!

    The more I think about it the scarier it gets, which is why I try not to think about it. Where are you applying to?

  4. Shit, yeah, very stressful. Right now I'm drafting all my proposals/statements and...yeah, I'm borrowing money too for the applications, though, 10 schools is a lot, I'm only doing 4. I'm going to stay in Canada for my Masters but probably do my phd in the states, so as of now I'm applying to University of Victoria, U of T, and Western, all for theory/criticism/english lit. And U of T has a good sexual diversity studies program that I'm interested in. I would advise you to try and relax but that would be hypocritical and ridiculous coming from me, master of anxiety.