I'm feeling highly fucked-up and extremely poor. Job doesn't appear to have worked out for me. Too bad I had that one day of being happy and spent $40 on jewelery-making supplies that I could have used to eat food for an extra week. The situation is pretty dire when $40 is a major loss.
I feel pretty much excluded from all social situations. I realize this is because I have a very difficult time 'performing' without being self-conscious about it. As a result, I just back down and get sullen. When in groups of men, I feel excluded by their tension and obvious investment in performing gender, performing what it means to be a 'male.' I'm sure the same phenomena applies to women, but to be honest, the last time I was in a group of more than 3 women was probably 8 years ago (thanks to traumatic preteen experiences, of course). The construction of male social identity is so painfully obvious to me. Let's talk about girls with big tits and a phenomenal ass. Let's talk about how you picked her out of the crowd and pointed to declare 'I will possess that.' What position am I left in as a woman within this discussion? I am immediately given the choice to perform in several different ways, all of which position me as an outsider/observer with no voice.
I can:
1) laugh at your "casual misogyny" and pretend to be "one of the boys" who "gets it"
2) remain quiet
3) respond in a critical manner
Which of these is the best way to respond? None of these responses are effective or useful for a woman within that male discourse. I'm set up to fail within this discourse of male-male bonding. So a lot of dudes would say, "then stay out of it." But what kind of time are we living in? Apparently we're still down with alienating people of both genders. Anyone with a vagina is automatically 1) prompted to reject her identity as a woman in order to fit in and let the boys be boys 2) relegated to silence, given no voice or position to respond 3) demonized as an outsider "bitchy-feminist." A lot of people are not self-aware enough to recognize when things they say are translucent attempts to perform gender as it is 'supposed' to be performed. And most of the shit that comes out of peoples mouths is self-admittedly 'not the reality' of the situation. It's all just a fucking show, and when I question men about sexist comments they're like "oh, I'm just joking" or laugh it off as "natural" (!!) male posturing. Regardless, that doesn't magically make such comments neutral.
If only I didn't let anything bother me, if only I wasn't such a bitch, right? Too bad shit sticks with me and I have an opinion.
Sorry this post is so ranty and possibly unintelligible. I am heavily drugged post-panic attack. And the panic returns. I was huddled in a bathroom stall trying to control my breathing and someone wrote "this too shall pass" on the door.
Thanks.
More than anything of yours that I have read, this will probably have the most impact. I've never looked at things like this.
ReplyDeleteI feel like women casually objectify men to a similar degree. And I`ve been in the room for that. Equality doesn`t improve anything!
ReplyDeleteActually, no, that isn`t true. Generally, female objectification of men comes across as a pastiche of preconceived notions of male on female objectification (at least in pop culture). (i.e. Salt N Peppa)`
I wouldn`t say that such behaviour is natural. It`s an offensive biproduct of bullshit social structures. It`s also a testament to the emotional crippling of most men -- difficulty relating to one another without the medium of their own masculinity. Alpha Male. Woof.
If it helps, I feel the exact same way around groups of males. And females. Uh, human beings.
ReplyDeleteYay books :)
God, I wish I saw this blog a LONG time ago. Things would have made so much more sense.
ReplyDelete"The construction of male social identity is so painfully obvious to me. Let's talk about girls with big tits and a phenomenal ass."
This has about as much to do with social identity as a woman who's in love with her boyfriend's huge biceps, pecs and 8-pack, and brags about THAT, or the expression of female lust for the latest Hollywood playboy who is a "dreamboat" because of those same reasons.
"Let's talk about how you picked her out of the crowd and pointed to declare 'I will possess that.'"
And THAT has about as much to do with social identity as a woman, who, thanks to evolution by natural selection instinctively making her want a man who can best provide for her, bragging about her fiance being a doctor who makes 6 figures a year, and how she caught him, hook, line and sinker. There's excitement in the hunt and the chase, my dear, on both sides of the sexes, and it makes for VERY stimulating conversation.
"What position am I left in as a woman within this discussion? I am immediately given the choice to perform in several different ways, all of which position me as an outsider/observer with no voice."
How 'bout this (and this might sound radical)? Respond without thought in such situations, but with physiological and/or instinctive intention. Respond reflexively, my dear. Laugh, or ask questions, or chime in, or stay quiet; either way, believe me, no one gives a DAMN! Just enjoy it, and if you feel the need to express offense, then express it, and maybe, just maybe, someone will be nice enough to clarify, as I have just done.
'laugh at your "casual misogyny" and pretend to be "one of the boys" who "gets it"'
No, NEVER pretend, it's not necessary, and I doubt anyone expects you to be "one of the boys." It's in your head. No offense. And for the record, there's nothing misogynistic about lusting after women, anymore than there is anything "man-hating" (funny how there's no actual for THAT, eh?) about a women lusting after men. What's unfortunate, however, is society permitting men to be openly that way, but not women. THAT I find heinous, and QUITE unnatural. That's why men end up being in the dark about what women are really thinking: the poor things have been made to feel like they are "bad girls" if they do so. So they shrink away until only women are present. I've always hated that self-defeating double-standard.
Oh, and as for the attraction to big breasts: as I learned in the Philosophy of Gender and Sexuality two years ago, it has nothing to do with nature, as the attraction to, say, the hips does, for example: it has to do with the fact that they're covered up all the time in the Western World, as if they are something shameful to be hidden away from sight. In areas of the world where women are always topless, i.e., in tribal areas, men have zero attraction to breasts. They don't give a damn about them!