I'm feeling highly fucked-up and extremely poor. Job doesn't appear to have worked out for me. Too bad I had that one day of being happy and spent $40 on jewelery-making supplies that I could have used to eat food for an extra week. The situation is pretty dire when $40 is a major loss.
I feel pretty much excluded from all social situations. I realize this is because I have a very difficult time 'performing' without being self-conscious about it. As a result, I just back down and get sullen. When in groups of men, I feel excluded by their tension and obvious investment in performing gender, performing what it means to be a 'male.' I'm sure the same phenomena applies to women, but to be honest, the last time I was in a group of more than 3 women was probably 8 years ago (thanks to traumatic preteen experiences, of course). The construction of male social identity is so painfully obvious to me. Let's talk about girls with big tits and a phenomenal ass. Let's talk about how you picked her out of the crowd and pointed to declare 'I will possess that.' What position am I left in as a woman within this discussion? I am immediately given the choice to perform in several different ways, all of which position me as an outsider/observer with no voice.
1) laugh at your "casual misogyny" and pretend to be "one of the boys" who "gets it"
2) remain quiet
3) respond in a critical manner
Which of these is the best way to respond? None of these responses are effective or useful for a woman within that male discourse. I'm set up to fail within this discourse of male-male bonding. So a lot of dudes would say, "then stay out of it." But what kind of time are we living in? Apparently we're still down with alienating people of both genders. Anyone with a vagina is automatically 1) prompted to reject her identity as a woman in order to fit in and let the boys be boys 2) relegated to silence, given no voice or position to respond 3) demonized as an outsider "bitchy-feminist." A lot of people are not self-aware enough to recognize when things they say are translucent attempts to perform gender as it is 'supposed' to be performed. And most of the shit that comes out of peoples mouths is self-admittedly 'not the reality' of the situation. It's all just a fucking show, and when I question men about sexist comments they're like "oh, I'm just joking" or laugh it off as "natural" (!!) male posturing. Regardless, that doesn't magically make such comments neutral.
If only I didn't let anything bother me, if only I wasn't such a bitch, right? Too bad shit sticks with me and I have an opinion.
Sorry this post is so ranty and possibly unintelligible. I am heavily drugged post-panic attack. And the panic returns. I was huddled in a bathroom stall trying to control my breathing and someone wrote "this too shall pass" on the door.