I'm going to read more Judith Butler before bed.

Fuck, I'm nuts paranoid today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't felt this way in a while, it feels like insurmountable doubt floating up and somersaulting against my chest, or like a man is inside my ribs pushing his hand, or maybe his head, against the skin. There is half of a dead squirrel outside this building, cut straight in half on the sidewalk, with the spine out. What to do with that? I don't know what to do with myself except fuck and eat and smoke and curl up in bed, all of which would be nice right now but I'm feeling scared of the bedroom for some reason. I don't know why. I want my boyfriend here who is light and easy and tall and hilarious but he is across the city. Ever get terrified of something and then figure out what's really going on and feel this intense, euphoric relief that's kind of dissapointing at the same time? Metaphor for life? Like the feeling I get that split second after a great orgasm, and my whole body feels a little tired, pleasurable but forlorn because the climax is done and really, its just a climax. I'm sorry, this is so silly and I feel strange.

Harper: In your experience of the world, how do people change?

Mormon Mother: Well it has something to do with God so it's not very nice. God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching.

Harper: And then get up. And walk around.

Mormon Mother: Just mangled guts pretending.

Harper: And that's how people change.

-one of my favourite bits from Angels in America

ph: Eli Karakoc