Today is the first day in a while that I've had to just do my shit at home, eat strawberries, clean stuff, catch up on shit in my google reader (500+ unread items), browse etsy, and most importantly, watch some x-files. Pretty much every actor on that show sucks except for the main two. And everyone speaks in deep voices, and everyone says things like "you have no idea just how deep...the truth goes" all the time. Its great.
In 10-ish days I'll be moving out of the apartment I've lived in for almost 3 years. I'm moving out of this city for a few years to do my MA. And I'm not sure exactly how I'll respond when the shit hits the fan and everything is different. My psychiatrist made me nervous on tuesday, he started talking about establishing some sort of coping strategy/plan-b if the changes instigate any "warning signals" of another breakdown. If anxiety is really just avoidance, then I am anxious about the plan itself, and not the changes - at least at this point. Or {insert psychobabble about repression, projection, avoidance, whatever}. What is the best way to adjust to big life changes? I'm confused.
Losing people isn't so hard if its me leaving, and not them. And any lost relationships will be indirectly lost, not intentionally broken. I feel selfishly comforted knowing that I won't be the one left alone due to another person's actions, abandonment, rejection. And I'm trying really hard not to go into self-preservation sabotage-any-relationships-you-are-afraid-to-lose-later-on mode. It sucks that everyone just grows out of most relationships. Most friendships have expiry dates, when it just stops clicking. I get that feeling pretty often.


  1. dear kristen,
    i think your bullshit angst has gotten much more sophisticated since we were fourteen. ma, where? im also thinking of going back for 'further education' because apparently a degree in cultural discourse theory doesn't really help to get a job. and im too broke to leave hungary so i just stay here, thinking about expiring friendships i left in canada. you're right, it's easier to let them expire if you're the one leaving.

    sunshine and looming rain clouds,


  2. Katie -
    MA at Western, in London. Meh. I went yesterday and was not pleased with the ciy vibe, although there are some nice used bookstores.
    Cultural discourse theory - woah, awesome. I'd like to hear about that.
    I'd like to think my bullshit angst has got more sophisticated, but underneath all the theory I have consumed and use to self-analyze, I'm pretty sure its still just as basic.
    Enjoy your weekend meditating. Sounds joyful.